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Can I feel.

My creativity is at an all time low. I can’t even come up with witty metaphors or similes or ANYTHING anymore. I feel stifled in this mindset. I’m used to words - written words - being the way that I can truly say what I feel. I fear that I’m losing this. I fear that I’m losing any spark or energy within me that allows my synapses to fire in a way that brings forth creations. I love words, especially finding that one word that is just right and rolls off the tongue so effortlessly and can impeccably capture the feeling of the sentence, but the words do not want to come. The way the words used to dance - the free flowing and fluid waltz has turned into a military march. I was born to be creative - my imagination has been what has kept me company throughout my whole life. When you’re an only child, you fabricate in order to stay entertained and I had one hell of an imagination. What scares me is that I’m not sure if it’s a writer’s block or a feelings block that is keeping me from unfolding any pouring out soul. As sick as it is, what I’d give for even unrequited love, just so long as I can feel the hurt of forlornness and feel human again.

Life

Haven’t blogged in a long time. Life happened, I suppose. To sum up the past 6 months:

I graduated from college with my bachelors degree in nursing.

I passed my state boards and became a registered nurse.

I got a great job at a great hospital in Austin.

I moved to Austin.

That pretty much brings me up into this week. 

Just a piece of information for those that have never moved from the room/house they lived in for over 10 years to an apartment in a completely new city: It’s a BITCHHHH. This week has been ridiculously exhausting. I’m looking forward to work orientation starting on Monday just so that I can have some STRUCTURE and meet new people.

That pretty much sums it up. New job, new home, new city. And I couldn’t be happier. Austin is an AMAZING city and I FINALLY feel like I am in my element around fellow music and art junkies. Love it.

O, God, I did it again

O, GOD I did it again,

Can you ever forgive me?

(I suppose I wasn’t as bad as my friends)

But my ways are still selfish and my motives impure.

And,

My sin weighs heavy on me.

My  sin is me.

Heavy.

On me.

And the chains provide a comforting choke I am unwilling.

Unable.

Unwilling to escape…..

-

O, GOD, I did it again.

(Admittedly, I’m quite a bit worse than my friends)

But…if David is a man after Your heart and he…

He killed and slept around and impregnated

(heck, all THREE in ONE day)

Then I have HOPE.

Oh, HOPE.

But it feels, it feels…

IT FEELS LIKE I AM THE WORST OF THESE

(sorry, Paul, but sometimes I think I win)

THE WORST OF SINNERS

Oh woe is me.

-

O, GOD, I did it again

But this time…

I accept the mistake and receive,

Receive the forgiveness that You give without end.

If sin is my life I will die to myself.

If SIN IS MY LIFE I WILL DIE TO MYSELF

(even if it kills me dead)

For what is fleshly life good for after all

If

If I lose the LIFE (REAL LIFE!)

We were meant for.

-

O, GOD, I did it again

But

You forgave me and now…

Now help me forgive myself.

11-26-11

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